Tuesday, July 19, 2011

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without, and know we cannot live within.” - James Arthur Baldwin


“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without, and know we cannot live within.”
-          James Arthur Baldwin

Masks are something I have worn all my life. I’m a master at hiding and can fit into just about any situation.  Over the past year I have realized that I am sick of walking around switching from one mask to another, hoping that one of them fits just right.

Ironically, I know God created me to stand out. I know God created us all different, but some people he made especially to stand out. For example, when I was 3 years old I came down the stairs with a pink glove on my right hand and a rainbow striped on my left, they matched perfectly. Up until I was about ten years old I didn’t find it at all odd that I always wore mismatched gloves and was surprised by all of the people with matching ones.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve struggled with my desire to stand out. On one hand it’s who I am, but on the other, it means I have to walk around naked, without a mask. This means people can see me. This is one of my deepest fears.

Over the past year I’ve earnestly been praying that God would let me see myself through his eyes, but it’s hard to see when your face is covered in layers of masks. I’m not talking about a simple feathered masquerade mask they give out at prom. I’ve been walking around with these huge, misshapen plaster masks layered with the world’s strongest super glue. So, it’s safe to say that the image in the mirror has been little hazy from where I stand.  

Luckily, I know someone who can see through my masks and straight into my heart. Gently, he is calling me by name, showing me that who I was pretending to be to everyone else was not the person he saw. The person I saw in the mirror was not the daughter he created. He pursued me, and captivated me with his love. As I continue to trust him, he gently pulls away each false face. Revealing that beneath all of those horribly uncomfortable masks is his incredible work of art.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Yours, Mine, & Ours

Paris has been an incredible experience. Its given me a lot of time to reflect and think about things that I haven’t had time to think about. One thing I’ve really been struggling this past year is this whole church thing, and what we are supposed to look like. I've been talking a lot about church with my roommate Kelly and she really opened my eyes to a lot of truths about the church.   Over the past two years I’ve visited a lot of churches and started getting involved in an awesome ministry outside of my home church. It’s been so refreshing to see different kinds of ministry that cater to different kinds of people. Lately, I’ve been observing the postmodern church movement and have noticed a few things.

I feel like there is a common understanding that the needs people have from their church have changed, therefore church needs to change. Fire and brimstone preaching just isn’t effective anymore, and people come to meet for relationships first and Christ second. There is this undercurrent in the Christian community that we need to get back to the basics of what Jesus did when he was here on Earth. Love God. Love people.
Because people want to return to smaller, intimate group settings, they are breaking off from the larger mainstream churches to plant new churches. I love this idea, I love the idea that people are trying to reach their community in a way that meets their community’s needs.  
  
My roommate Kelly and I have been talking a lot about church and she made some really good points. Unfortunately, love isn’t the only motivation that drives church planting. Offense, anger, unforgiveness, and competition are often underlying motives for starting churches. Someone gets hurt, and instead of dealing with their problems, they break off to start what they think is the “right way” to have church.  As a result, you have a bunch of people who are hurt and burned out trying to start a church. They may love God and love people, but if there is any motivation other than love, their ministry will not be very effective and ultimately fail. 

I love big churches. I love them because I grew up at one. My home church will soon be celebrating its 75th anniversary, and I am so proud of that. I am so proud of the founders of my church, the people who prayed, worked, and fought for a vision that God gave them.  A vision for their children, and grandchildren to have a church, a home, a meeting place where God would meet them every week. I am so grateful to my church for the person I am today because of its ministry. 

 About two years ago God started leading me away from my home church to follow him on a journey to find him again, and learn about ministry in different ways. So, I tried out different churches for about 6 months until God told me to stop at the one I attend now.  

On my journey God taught me that he is wherever his people are. He created us, uniquely and individually, so it makes sense that he speaks to us in different ways. We are created for community, so we form a church community around us with people who relate to God in the same ways we do.  This is ok, its good. People get offended by cliques especially in church, but a clique is just a group of people who love God and love each other.  

I still don’t know if I have this whole church thing figured out. But I think that it looks different for everybody, and Jesus knows what it looks like for each person. I think that as long as we are seeking him first, he will provide the community around us we need. I think that if churches understood this, they wouldn’t feel the need to lead out of past hurt or insecurity but in confidence of who they are in Christ and the small part he has let them be in his church. Because after all, it is his church

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Sometimes, I am embarrassed to look in the mirror


 When I was little, I always thought it would be so cool to be a missionary. I would get to travel the world, and every four years come back to the States where every Sunday I would speak at a a different church and tell of the adventures I had been on overseas.  I would describe the exotic foods, warm people, and miraculous signs that God had done. After service I imaged being greeted by hundreds of church goers telling me how they were encouraged by my message, and then would enjoy going out to lunch with the Pastor and his family. The problem with my ridiculous fantasy was that it was all about me.

In the back of my mind I understood that missionaries gave up a lot, and as I got older I decided I didn't want to be a missionary because of all that missionaries decide to give up,  but I never understood sacrifice until I came to Paris.

I have the deepest respect for the staff here at The Bridge. One of my favorite parts about my trip is that I get to hear each one of their stories of how God brought them to Paris. I love how most of them never expected to be here, but some way or another God brought each of them here to create this incredible staff. 

In Matthew Jesus talks about how a man must leave his home, his family, his friends, everything to follow him. I've never liked this verse very much because if Jesus came up to me off the street and told me to leave everything I have and everyone I love to go to some remote village in Kenya I would probably laugh at him. But as I listen to the stories from these missionaries, I am inspired by their dedication to Christ and the love that has compelled them to sacrifice everything.

  I've discovered that missionaries aren't a group of spiritual elite whom God have chosen out of a group of ordinary Christians. Missionaries are people. They are the best kind of people because they are real. They have experienced life, real hard life, and have let the love of Christ transform those experiences into something he can use for his Kingdom. The staff at The Bridge love people with unconditional love, which I've found most churches preach but few live out.

 Missionaries live with the end in mind. Because they have given so much up, they don't take ownership over things like ministries, positions, or even their own families. I don't know how to describe it, but they live with the understanding that at any moment God could easily move them somewhere else, stop their church, their ministry, or move them back to the states. They understand that they are not building "their own ministry" they are not building "their churches" but have one goal and that is to serve the Kingdom of God. 

I am humbled and inspired by these incredible people who I get to work under this summer. First, I want to let Christ's love impact me in a way that I am willing to give everything I am to him. I don’t just want to say a prayer making Jesus the Lord of my life; I want to place him as Lord of my life. And second, I want to live with the end in mind, knowing that my life here on Earth is not my own, but has been bought by Jesus and I want to live for eternity.    



 



Monday, July 4, 2011

To the French boys

This letter is to the French boys who made a sad attempt on asking me out tonight...... and for all the other ones out there:

Dear boys:

Now I use boys because, well you are not young men you are boys. Your first mistake when asking me out was telling me that you are only 16, even after you found out I am 19. Second, smoking in a girls face then hulking up the worlds most disgusting loogie right next to my foot was the trashiest way to make a pass at me. Next, tell your friend standing next to you that if the only English he knows are swear words and sexual innuendos that he should keep his mouth shut. 

But your worst mistake was even approaching me, thinking that someone this awesome and this gorgeous would even give you the time of day.

Yep. So sorry friends looks like I won't be coming home with a man, or should I say a BOY.